mikeklimczak.com | Mike Klimczak – Comedian

Married With Gotye.

Married With Gotye.

Married With Gotye.


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Comic strip: Dinner party with Bear Grylls.

Dinner party with Bear Grylls


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COMIC STRIP: Are you a fan of Hoarders?

Are you a fan of Hoaders?


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COMIC STRIP: Fun game for OCD sufferers.

Fun game for OCD sufferers.


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The worst thing about having OCD and ADD.

The worst thing about having OCD and ADD.


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Ladies and gentlemen of MICF 2013

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy.

Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters. Throw your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't know.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave it before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess around too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.


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“Daddy, my ears are locked.”


"My ears are locked." by creepyguy

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Which is worse, being against gay marriage or not being against it, but doing nothing?

After hearing about the recent gay protest that surrounded the opposition leader Tony Abbott in a restaurant, I asked myself which of the current major parties' leaders could claim a moral high-ground in the gay marriage debate.

Tony Abbott says his Christian beliefs give him the view that gay marriage is wrong. Julia Gillard does not share that belief and has said she is not against gay marriage.

She also said she won't be changing the law in favour of gay marriage.

You can hate or support Tony Abbott for his stance, but it is one determined by his set of morals. Julia Gillard's stance seems to be determined by not wanting to upset the applecart of popular opinion.

Which one is more or less honorable?


Make of this article what you will, I'm just thinking out loud. I'm not providing actual quotes for what each leader has said, rather I'm referencing what I recall having been communicated to me through the media, so if my facts or recollections are incorrect, that just means the message from each leader has been miscommunicated to me.


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Four year old killed the network television model.

My daughter is four years old. For at least the last two years she has known how to use Youtube on the iPad. She can choose from an un-ending stream of her favourite cartoon characters whenever she wants. She can skip or replay them and they aren't interrupted by three minutes of junk food commercials. She almost never watches the television, and if a show she IS watching get interrupted by a commercial break she hits the roof. This is your future market, network television. Good luck with that, and say hi to newspaper media if you see them.


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NERDGASM!!! Computer controlled “quadcopters” in formation.


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I have already sold my car… BEHOLD THE FUTURE OF TRAVEL!


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Comparing symptoms of low testosterone with owning Skyrim.

In men, the symptoms low testosterone and of owning Skyrim are quite similar. Consult the following table:

Symptoms of low testosterone

Symptoms of owning Skyrim

  • Mood changes (low mood and irritability)
  • Poor concentration
  • Low energy
  • Reduced muscle strength
  • Longer time to recover from exercise
  • Low interest in sex (decreased libido)
  • Difficulty getting and keeping erections
  • Breast development
  • Osteoporosis (thinning of bones)
  • Low semen volume
  • Reduced beard or body hair growth (less shaving)
  • Easy fatigue
  • Poor concentration
  • Mood changes (low mood and irritability)
  • Poor concentration
  • Low energy
  • Reduced muscle strength
  • Longer time to recover from exercise
  • Low interest in sex (decreased libido)
  • Difficulty getting and keeping erections
  • Breast development
  • Osteoporosis (thinning of bones)
  • Low semen volume
  • Reduced beard or body hair growth (less shaving)
  • Easy fatigue
  • Poor concentration
  • You own Skyrim

NOTE: Did you notice that "Poor concentration" was mentioned twice in each column? If not, you have just tested "positive".


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South Australia could be the next Dubai (but glowing!).

One of South Australia's most lucrative exports is uranium. "Ooh, that's horrible." you say. Just pretend you still don't know that fact and continue to live in an economy that would be flailing right now without such evil exports.

More correctly, we export yellow cake. This is uranium in its most unrefined form and is actually quite safe to be around so long as you don't start eating it. Uranium doesn't become more lethally radioactive until it is refined into plutonium rods for instance, then the radiation it gives off can be fatal if not properly shielded (you shouldn't eat plutonium either). Of course after the plutonium is used up, it can be REALLY dangerous and needs to be stored for years and years before it is no longer a threat.

So relax, South Australia just exports yellow cake, it's safe. The countries we export it to then refine it and sell it (for a massive profit) to other countries that must then dispose of it (at a massive cost).

It's like South Australia is selling Metamucil to the world, and the world then mixes it with water, drinks it and then has a massive turd to deal with.

As wealthy as yellow cake exports have made us, why stop there? We dig this crap out of the ground, why not build industries around refining it (or don't we think we can be a world leader in that?) and disposal of it? We would all be gajillionaires!

"Oh but Mike, refined and spent uranium is dangerous, we don't want that anywhere near us!"

Well, if we won't be responsible for it, what right do we have to profit from digging it out of the ground in the first place?


PS: I'm pro-nuclear as a form of power. It kills a fraction of the people that coal power generation does, even including catastrophes like Fukushima and Chernobyl.


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NERD CONTENT: Tweak to view data easier in Google Apps forms.

Getting ready for the 2012 Melbourne International Comedy Festival I prepared a form for comedians to fill out using Google Apps. SO EASY.

The tricky bit is trying to make sense of the form submissions. The spreadsheet layout of data that Google provides you is simple enough to navigate, but because some of the fields I used were paragraphs in length, a lot of the data in smaller fields wasn't easily viewable. I would have to click in a field box and then scroll to the bottom to see the smaller entry that was driven down by the large entries in other fields.

The solution was to select the entire spreadsheet and change the alignment to the top of the cell. All the information is displayed visibly at the top of the cell now and I only need to scroll down to read the longer entries.

This might be a no-brainer for most folks. It took me weeks to stop struggling with it. Probably a shame the default isn't for the alignment to be "top".


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NERD CONTENT: How to tweet pictures from your iPhone or smartphone to WordPress instead of TwitPic or Yfrog.

Tweeting pictures from your iPhone or smartphone is super easy, thanks to the hard work of web services like Yfrog and TwitPic. In exchange for their hard work they make money from advertising on their website. Good for them.

Instead of sending my followers to TwitPic though, I would rather send people to my website so they can read my other crap, book me for gigs and click on my advertising links for "mesothelioma remedies".

This meant that for a while instead of TwitPic, I was using the WordPress app on my iPhone, creating a new blog post with just a picture in it, then copying and pasting the link into Twitter. It was a pain in the ass.

Then I started using "WP to Twitter" so that at least when I finished creating the blog post manually, I could have it posted from my WordPress to Twitter automatically.

Then I discovered the "Tweet Images" plugin for WordPress which sets up an API on your WordPress blog that your iPhone or smartphone's Twitter client can post pictures to instantly. In your Twitter client's settings instead of TwitPic or Yfrog etc for the image service, you select "Custom" and enter the correct details for the Tweet Images API on your WordPress blog and you're done. Now you can instantly upload your pictures and benefit from the traffic to your website.

Also useful is the "Clean URLs For Tweet Images" plugin which will create URL slugs for WordPress from the text in your tweet, making them easier to read and SEO friendly.

Pretty soon you'll be making $7.32 every year from your WordPress blog, just like me.


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NERD CONTENT: Can’t mount NTFS drives in OS X Lion – how I fixed it.

After upgrading my Macbook Pro to OS X Lion I was no longer able to mount any NTFS drives, not my USB drives formatted for NTFS nor even the Macbook's own BOOTCAMP partition. I could see the drives in Disk Utility but if I tried to mount them I got the error message "The disk “BOOTCAMP” could not be mounted. Try running First Aid on the disk and then retry mounting."

I tried lots of all of the third-party extensions I could find, but they all failed. I found the solution on Paragon-Software's website. I fixed the NTFS mounting by deleting the folder /System/Library/Filesystems/ufsd.fs and rebooting.

Let me know if it works for you.


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The Upstairs Lounge. Best venue at #MICF? Maybe. Best coffee at #MICF? Yes.

20110329-063805.jpg


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What newborn babies smell like.

People talk about the wonderful smell of a newborn baby. I thought it would be something similar to the smell of a new car. Maybe not that pleasant, but a sure sign that something was brand new. Either that or I though they would smell like baby shampoo, but they actually have a far more unique smell.

A new born baby doesn't smell like nine-month-old stale urine like you might expect (isn't that what the amniotic fluid is mostly made of?). It doesn't smell bad at all. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't smell so great that you would buy a bottle of it to spray under your arms, but it is a hard to distinguish aroma.

The closest I have experienced to the smell of a newborn was one day when I was walking through a shopping mall's food court. It was the end of the day and the kitchens were all removing the warming trays for cleaning. There was a fog of steam coming from the shops that filled the food court and that's when it hit me. Newborns smell like old bain-marie water at the end of a busy day, a kind of soupy smell enriched with the scraps and spills from food that you would never tell your doctor you were eating.

They also smell a little bit like a wet ham sandwich.

Don't let that stop you from having a baby though.


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Live tweeting my audience




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FYI – You cannot do this in #Adelaide.


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