mikeklimczak.com | Mike Klimczak – Comedian

Great ideas for losing customers – Minimum creditcard limits.

Want to lose me as a customer, follow these guides. If you instead want me to continue shopping with you, you should ignore these guides.

Have a "store policy" of limiting creditcard transactions to amounts over $10.

Where do you make the most profit in retail? Low ticket items. You should make it harder for me to purchase these high profit items by making me leave your store and go to the ATM and pay $2 to withdraw cash because it is not my bank's ATM. Of course moments after I leave your store I will decide I don't actually need the melon-baller I was trying to buy from you. Well done.

The finest example of this is when I tried to buy two coffees from Gloria Jeans for six dollars. The assistant informed me that I needed to spend $10 to use my creditcard. I shrugged and pointed at a cake. After she put the cake on a plate she rang up the order on the register and it came to $9.95.

She looked at me… waiting.

I said "Don't be stupid!"

When she asked her manager what she should do, the manager said "Do it, but just this once."

Well done manager-lady. This was the last coffee I ever ordered at Gloria Jeans.


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There are 2 Comments to "Great ideas for losing customers – Minimum creditcard limits."

  • Dee Dee says:

    Right? It's absolutely retarded that they need the amount you spend to be at least $10 to use eftpos. A hearty "Amen, brother! Testify!" to that. However, could you not have thought of a more comedic response when the girl looked at you expectantly? That poor minion doens't get to make that decision, Manager lady does, I bet you broke her little heart with your "Don't be stupid", and for what? Insulting a perfect stranger is only acceptable in the following situations-
    a) The insult is ridiculously funny and therefore, they have no choice but to sacrifice their dignity and self-respect for the sake of the joke.
    b) They have a mullet and/or rats tail.
    c) they're old. like REEEAAAALLY old. like, the foul stench of death is already upon them and they're looking all "what's that light that I see? why won't my arms move cos the arthritis is in my legs!!"
    d) they're called Elijah Wood.
    and the thing is man, I don't think telling someone aggressively "don't be stupid" is really funny enough to cut it. you kind of come off sounding like a douche. Just saying…..

    ***Reply from Mike***
    Yes, but Dee Dee, I am quite a douche. I would also accept “grumpy old man”, or “man who can’t quickly work out that buying a cake would still fall short of the required $10 mark” though.

    Obviously when I tell this story on stage I will think of something funny to instead say, but that is the life of a comedian. On the way home from every situation that didn’t go your way, you think about things you should have said.

    The next coffee merchant that screws me on EFTPOS will instead be told to “Shove it up their ass”.

  • Dee Dee says:

    see, now that's much funnier, and might I also say, rather charming. Had you said that instead, I bet they would have giggled, pinched your cheeks and given you the whole shebang for free. but y'know… live and learn, right?!